🕯️ How to Recognize When You’re in a Parts-to-Part Relationship

In IFS, the quality of connection matters more than the content of what’s said. When communication feels tense, defensive, or looping, it’s often a sign that two parts are talking — not Self to part.

You can usually tell you’re in a parts-to-part relationship when:

• You feel urgency — like you must convince, fix, or be right.•

• The other person feels like the enemy or the only source of safety.•

• There’s little curiosity, only reaction.

  
  

It happens both internally and externally. One manager might scold another. A protector might argue with a loved one’s exile. What’s missing isn’t logic — it’s Self.

The shift comes when you pause and ask, “Who in me is speaking right now?” That question alone invites space. If you can feel even a breath of compassion or perspective, Self has re-entered.

Parts-to-part relationships are normal. They’re how systems cry for balance. And every time you notice one, you open the door back to connection — not by silencing parts, but by letting Self take the lead again.