Chapter #2 - Disowned Anger and Strength
- Everything IFS
- Sep 29
- 4 min read
This blog continues our study guide journey through Jay Earley’s Working with Anger in Internal Family Systems Therapy. While these reflections stand on their own, they are designed to be used alongside the book for deeper learning and practice. In today’s chapter, we turn to disowned anger and strength exploring what happens when anger is pushed aside and how to welcome it back safely.
Theme
This chapter explores what happens when anger is disowned — pushed out of sight because it was judged as unacceptable. When anger is rejected, we don’t just lose the fire of anger — we lose the deeper strength that comes with it. Disowned anger often leaves us passive, overly pleasing, or unable to assert our needs.
IFS shows us that this isn’t because we’re weak. It’s because parts of us learned long ago that showing anger would mean rejection, ridicule, or danger. To survive, they buried it. But what was buried wasn’t only rage — it was also our life energy, our capacity to stand tall, to feel alive, to take up space.
My Reflection
When I think about times I swallowed my anger, I remember how quickly shame followed. I learned to smile instead of protest, to shrink instead of push back. For years, I mistook this for being “nice” or “easygoing.” But really, it was a part of me terrified that anger would get me rejected or abandoned.
Reading this chapter softened that shame. I began to see my quietness not as failure, but as survival. My disowned anger was protecting me — and beneath it was the strength I longed for. Now, when I sense anger rising, I don’t rush to silence it. I pause, and I ask: what strength is waiting to return if I welcome this anger back?
What Disowned Anger Looks Like
Explosive outbursts: anger bursts through after being suppressed too long.
Extreme intensity: anger feels out of proportion because it has been exiled.
Passivity and loss of voice: struggling to assert needs or set boundaries.
Shame around anger: believing “I have an anger problem” when the real wound is disowning it.
Disowned anger can show up as a protector, an exile, or even a healthy part that got shamed into hiding. Either way, it holds the key to recovering lost vitality.
Strength Hidden Beneath Anger
When anger is disowned, the positive quality that goes with it — strength — is also disowned.
Strength is not about harming others.
It is the healthy fire of self-assertion, aliveness, passion, expansiveness.
It’s the ability to take risks, stand tall, and move with confidence.
By welcoming back disowned anger, we don’t just recover an emotion — we reclaim a life force.
Reflection Prompts (Journal or Pause)
When have you felt ashamed of your anger? What message did you receive about it growing up?
In what ways has disowning your anger left you quieter, more passive, or less powerful than you want to be?
What strength might be waiting underneath your anger if it felt safe to return?
Take time to write or simply notice what arises in your body.
Practice for the Week
This week, when you feel the stirrings of anger, pause and try this:
Notice what happens in your body — jaw, chest, arms, breath.
Instead of pushing it away, let it move a little: tighten your fists, straighten your spine, breathe more deeply.
Inwardly say: “I welcome you. I know you carry strength for me.”
You’re not unleashing rage on others. You’re inviting the exiled part of you back into the circle of your inner family — where its power can be re-owned safely.
Personal Story
Donna grew up being ridiculed whenever she showed anger. Over time, she became quiet, compliant, and unsure of her needs. In IFS work, when Donna finally allowed herself to feel the clenching of her jaw and the fire in her arms, it was as though a dam broke. The anger that had been hidden for decades returned — and with it came a surge of vitality. She began to feel her strength again.
Closing + Bridge to the Book
Welcoming back disowned anger is not always simple. Protectors may resist. Exiles may hold shame or terror around it. But when anger is gently re-owned, it doesn’t just restore emotion — it restores strength, vitality, and aliveness.
This chapter is only an entry point. The book itself goes deeper into how to safely reown anger, how to work with protectors who fear it, and how to embody strength without fear of rejection.
If this resonated, spend more time with Jay Earley’s words directly. Let them guide you into reclaiming the fire you thought was gone.
Suggested Blog Deep Dives:
Disowned Anger vs. Protective Anger: How they differ, and why both matter.
Reclaiming Strength Beneath Anger: Why anger carries vitality, not just heat.
Embodied Practices for Anger: Safe ways to let the body express without harm.
Continue the Study
For easy access to the full companion study guide for Working with Anger in Internal Family Systems Therapy by Jay Earley, here are all the chapters in this series:
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