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How Does IFS Therapy Work? 

A step-by-step look at the healing process inside Internal Family Systems therapy.

If you're new to Internal Family Systems (IFS), you're probably wondering something like this:
“Okay… I get that it has to do with ‘parts’ and something called ‘Self’—but how does it actually work?”

Let’s walk through that.
 

IFS isn’t just a theory. It’s a guided process—a healing journey that unfolds step-by-step. Whether you’re working with a trained IFS practitioner or exploring on your own, the process follows a natural rhythm. Let's break it down into 10 easy steps. 

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Step 1: You begin by noticing the part that’s showing up
 

In IFS, we start by turning our attention inward.
We might ask something like:
 

• What part of me is most activated right now?

• Is there a part of me that’s anxious? Angry? Numb? Critical? Shut down?

• Who’s showing up inside me right now?
   

This “part” is usually the one that’s loudest in the moment. It might be a perfectionist, an inner critic, a people-pleaser, a binge eater, or even a part that feels like it wants to give up.

You don’t have to fix it. You just notice it.
 

Step 2: You separate from the part (just enough to get curious)
 

IFS calls this process “unblending.”
It means gently creating space between you and the part so you can get to know it rather than be overwhelmed by it.

Instead of saying, “I’m furious,” you might say,

“A part of me feels furious right now.”

That tiny shift allows room for curiosity instead of reactivity.
It opens the door to a powerful internal relationship.
 

Step 3: You meet the part from a place called Self
 

Self is the calm, compassionate core of who you are. It’s not a part—it’s the you that’s underneath all your parts.

When you’re in Self, you naturally bring qualities like:
 

• Curiosity

• Compassion

• Calm

• Confidence

• Clarity

• Creativity

• Courage

• Connectedness

(These are often called the “8 Cs of Self.”)
 

IFS helps you access more Self energy, so you can begin to relate to your parts instead of judging, avoiding, or battling them.
 

Step 4: You get to know the part
 

Now that there’s space, you begin to form a relationship with the part.

You might ask:
 

• What do you want me to know?

• What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do your job?

• How long have you been carrying this burden?

• What are you protecting me from?
   

You’re not analyzing or fixing. You’re just listening—genuinely, respectfully. And often, parts are relieved to finally be heard.
 

Step 5: You discover the role it’s been playing
 

Every part has a role.
It’s not random—it’s protective.

IFS breaks parts into three general types:
 

• Managers: Try to prevent pain (e.g., inner critics, perfectionists)

• Firefighters: React to pain fast (e.g., addictions, shutdowns, rage)

• Exiles: Hold the pain (e.g., shame, loneliness, grief, trauma)
   

The part you’re meeting is likely a protector (a manager or a firefighter). It’s been working hard to shield a more vulnerable part—an exile—from being overwhelmed again.
 

Step 6: You build trust and appreciation
 

This part probably doesn’t trust you yet. It may think it has to do this job forever.

When you listen with compassion and curiosity, it starts to soften.
You can thank it for how hard it’s been working to protect you. You can ask what it’s afraid will happen if it steps back.

In IFS, healing doesn’t happen by force. It happens through relationship.
 

Step 7: The protector steps aside—when it feels ready
 

Once a part feels seen, appreciated, and safe—it might be willing to relax or step aside.

Not because it’s being pushed. But because it trusts that something new is possible.

This creates space for the deeper healing to begin.
 

Step 8: You connect with the vulnerable part it’s been protecting
 

Now, with the protector’s permission, you gently meet the exile.
This might be a young part carrying the pain of:

• Rejection

• Humiliation

• Loss

• Neglect

• Fear

• Trauma
   

You meet this part with full Self energy—patience, presence, and care.
 

Step 9: The exile shares its story—and unburdens
 

This is where some of the deepest healing happens.

The exile gets to show you what it’s been carrying all these years—and finally release it.

This is called unburdening.
The part lets go of the shame, fear, or belief it’s been holding onto (like “I’m not good enough” or “It was all my fault”).

It’s powerful. And it’s real.
 

Step 10: The system reorganizes
 

Once a part has unburdened, it’s no longer stuck in the past.

It can take on a new role. It might become creative, playful, confident, protective in a healthy way—or just finally get to rest. Other parts feel the shift too. One part’s healing often brings more harmony to the whole system.

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But what if I can’t find my Self?
 

That’s completely normal.

Many of us have spent decades blended with our parts—so at first, it might be hard to access Self energy.

The good news?
Even just a tiny bit of curiosity or calm counts. That’s Self peeking through.

And the more you practice, the stronger your Self presence becomes.
 

So… how does IFS actually help people heal?
 

Because it’s not about managing symptoms—it’s about listening to the parts that are causing them.

Instead of trying to stop the anxiety, silence the critic, or break the addiction, you ask:

Why is this part doing what it’s doing?
What is it afraid would happen if it stopped?

And from there… everything begins to shift.
And when that shift happens, it’s not just your Managers who change—your whole inner world begins to feel safer, calmer, and more connected. That’s the power of IFS.